imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
