david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
