i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
