Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
