When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
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I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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