you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
