Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
