how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
