I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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