I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
