So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
