i already hear my dad disowning me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
