god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
