I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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