I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
