my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.