I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.