There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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