apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
