I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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