There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
