I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
