Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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