My girlfriend figured out who you are.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.