I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.