hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
