do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.