I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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