did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just gift wrapped bread.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
