there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
