I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
