I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
