Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
