I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
