you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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