Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
