If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
