I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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