and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
