haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
