Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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