last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She even gives head with a lisp.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
