I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
