Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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