mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
