I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
