I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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