I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My cat gives me a boner
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
