what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
