I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There are leaves in my underwear?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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