i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
