how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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