so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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