I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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