Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
