Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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