Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
high people should be assigned attendants
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
