before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
