I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
