I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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