too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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