I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
