i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
