I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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