those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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