Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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