I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize