Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sorry about my life...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
