i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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