Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
